Trust but Verify (or: I have a mind like a steel sieve.)

One of the fundamental principles of "Getting Things Done" is to establish and rely upon a "trusted system" to free brain cells for thinking, rather than remembering.

Today I learned how this good advice can be taken a bit too far.

I have a magpie-like tendency to collect casually-mentioned social information in my calendar in the form of dated but untimed notes. If a friend mentions that they're expecting a baby next October, I might put a note on October 1st with "So-and-so's baby due". When a cousin mentions the closing date on his new house, I scribble or enter it in the notes for that day.

Life gets busy, and it's hard enough to keep track of my own comings and goings, never mind those of the people I care about. So these little reminders help me remember others' important milestones, without taking up too much of my limited and taxed bandwidth.

This system has saved me from making awkward and inappropriate comments on more than one occasion. Sometimes I get to masquerade as a more thoughtful and caring person than I really am. Other times, this technique counterbalances an absentmindedness that could otherwise be mistaken for a lack of interest.



But, like any system, it is merely a tool. One can't rely on auto-pilot for take-off and landing.

Two years ago, a friend mentioned the date of her son's bar mitzvah in passing, and I quietly blocked off that weekend in my calendar. I wanted to be sure to be available to help. For her older children, I helped design, print, and stuff the invitations, hosted overnight guests, and was involved with much of the general schlepping and fretting associated with running the events.

I had every expectation to be similarly involved with her son's bar mitzvah.

So, as you can imagine, I was surprised and disappointed last week, when I went to book something for two weeks from now and saw it conflicted with the time I had blocked off.

The last time I spoke with my friend was the beginning of the Summer. I didn't give it much thought, because all of her children go to sleep-away camp, and she has a demanding career.

But, here was the reminder of this major family milestone, and she hadn't mentioned word one about the upcoming events. Clearly, I was not consulted because our family wasn't invited.

I started to agitate about this. Did I do something wrong? Did I offend her or her family in some way? Was I supposed to have done something that I forgot about? No. She must have had some need to cut off the guest list at a much smaller number than last time.

Or maybe she did invite us, and I misplaced the invitation. Maybe she didn't consult with me because she didn't really like the invitations last time, and she didn't want to be insulting. Or maybe it got lost in the mail. Maybe she's annoyed with me for not responding to this invitation I don't remember receiving. She could be sitting at home, right now, aggravated because she never received a response from me.

So, I spent the past week obsessing about this, making myself crazy with anxious speculation:

Should I call her and ask how the plans are going? No. If she didn't call to discuss the plans, maybe she's hoping that I won't remember them. Bringing it up would embarrass her. Or me.

Should I call her, just to chat, and see if she mentions it on her own? No. There isn't any precedent for phone chatting in our relationship, and she's probably really busy with the preparations. This would be the last thing she needs. Besides, it might seem like a hint for an invite, which would be awkward and annoying for both of us.

Maybe I should just buy the gift and send it now. But that's also easily interpreted as hint-like. What if I send the gift now, and get the invitation next week? Then it will clearly have been an afterthought to have invited us, and we shouldn't attend. If she invited us out of a feeling of obligation or guilt, our company would bring no pleasure and just increase her catering bill.

If we're not invited, do we send the same size gift as if we were? Is that very question fair, reasonable, or petty?

I could call our close mutual friend, and ask if she's helping. No. That's not fair, putting her in the middle of things.

I was hurt. And I was annoyed with myself for feeling hurt. There are so many factors in compiling a guest list, not the least of which is the cost of the event. Nobody's budget is infinite. The list has to be cut somewhere. How dare I presume that I'd be invited.

Perhaps we're not as close as I thought we were. Or maybe, she opted for a family-only celebration. But if she did that, I would have expected some mention of it. But then again....

This morning, I just couldn't stand it any more. I had to make a decision about scheduling something else on that date, and decided it was ridiculous to keep it blocked off just in case we were invited last-minute.

I saw it, just as I was contriving a pretext for the call while looking up her phone number. In the notes next to her phone number was the date of her son's bar mitzvah. In 2009. Next year.

The news is full of people blindly following their GPS instructions, driving off cliffs, bridges, and off the road, ignoring visible hazards. (Like Howie Carr says, "Who're you gonna believe? Me, or your lying eyes?")

I let my system steer me off a cliff, despite all the contrary evidence of our many years of friendship.

Maybe I'll show her this post. I don't know. I'm a bit embarrassed about the whole thing.

But for sure, I've learned a lesson about not putting more trust in a system than in a valued relationship.