husbands some people so flummoxed by the perennial spousal inquiry:
This question has been characterized as unanswerable, as the Ultimate Marriage Koan.
Ridiculous. Ladies are able to ask and answer this all the time, without imploding relationships. We're not afraid of it, because we know how to communicate within the range of acceptable answers. It's not hard. Really.
In the interest of eliminating connubial stress and adding to the peace of the Universe, I will reveal to spouses worldwide what every teenage girl already knows.
Read further, dear groom, and never sleep on the couch again:
If the outfit looks even remotely acceptable, the answer is an enthusiastic 'No.' You get double credit for adding "Of course not, you look great in everything." Fifty point bonus for wolf whistles.
Of course, the hard part comes when the outfit is sub-optimal.
It is at this point where
newlyweds amateurs unsuspecting chumps husbands find themselves held hostage by the deceptive aphorism "Honesty is the best policy." Nonsense.
I'm not suggesting you dance with dishonesty. I simply ask you to scout the ballroom before embracing Truth. You need not sacrifice your integrity to please your spouse. This is a false dichotomy. It is possible to both save your marriage and sidestep sin.
Here is where a
poor sap beleaguered husband person of conscience can get tangled in the tentacles of a Manichean dialectic between a brutal appraisal of the outfit and avoiding certain spousal alienation. This is not the time to expound on the inherent evils of polyester knits. This is not the time to share dietary wisdom. This is not the time to suggest joining a health club.
You need to give her a truthful answer to the question she's actually asking. She's asking you, "Are you going to be happy to be seen with me in public?" She's asking, "Do you love me, even though I'm growing older?" She's asking, "Are we still the same bride and groom?"
If you can't answer those questions in a complimentary manner, then you've got bigger problems than being ten minutes late for a dinner party.
10. It looks fine to me.
9. You look so much better in the green dress.
8. That skirt would make Twiggy look fat. [insert more up-to-date reference as necessary]
7. I'm the wrong guy to ask. I only see you, the Love of My Life.
6. Fishing for compliments, honey? You're beautiful.
5. I don't know if it does; I just know I envy it!
4. If I say 'yes' does that mean I get to eat your dessert tonight?
3. I'm not sure. How do these pants look on me?
2. Who's coming tonight? Should I be jealous?
1. I love you.
There. Was that so difficult? Now go forth and compliment. I'm off to declutter my closet.
This post was included in the Carnival of SAHMs